23. November … komm rein und setz dich, vertrauter Schmerz

In letzter Zeit erwische ich mich immer wieder dabei, wie ich den süßen, vertrauten Schmerz suche. Vor zwei Tagen hab ich mir eine uralte CD rausgekramt, ein bestimmtes Lied rausgesucht und dann beim Auto fahren schön laut angehört. Dreimal, viermal, fünfmal. Die gute alte Zeit! Immer wieder beeindruckend, wie einen Musik schlagartig um Jahre, manchmal sogar ein halbes Leben, zurück katapultieren kann. Ich fand es jedenfalls so schön, dass ich mir gleich die nächste CD rausgekramt habe, auf der zwei Titel sind, zu dem mein Herz am liebsten weinen würde.

Wie ich dich manchmal liebe, du vertrauter Schmerz. Ich hab dich vermisst! Du bringst mir Erinnerung in einer Form – so intensiv – wie es anders nicht geht. Du bist das einzige, was einem manchmal bleibt, wenn man geliebtes verliert. Wenn man ein Loch füllen muss, eine Lücke, die jemand hinterlässt, wenn er fort gegangen ist – von uns oder gar von dieser Welt – dann bist du da und legst dich leise aber fühlbar da hinein und füllst die Leere. Anfangs schmerzend, unerträglich, begegnet man dir mit Wut. Man brüllt dich an, hasst dich, beweint dich, scheitert an dir. So lange, bis man versucht, dich zu akzeptieren und zu ertragen. Es mag viel Zeit vergehen, aber irgendwann kann man mit dir leben. Und alles, was von dir bleibt, ist ein wunder Punkt der uns brandmarkt, vielleicht ein Leben lang.

Ich habe aufgehört, mich an Menschen erinnern zu wollen, die längst gegangen sind. Wenn ich ihnen nahe sein will, dann berühr ich bewusst den wunden Punkt, den der Schmerz hinterlassen hat, als sie gehen mussten. Weil man sich ihnen dann am nächsten fühlt. Weil dieser kleine, geliebte Schmerz das einzige ist, was blieb; von einer schönen Zeit, von einem Lebensabschnitt, von einem Mensch, der einem mal die Welt bedeutet hat. Ich behüte diesen Schmerz wie einen Schatz. Und manchmal, wenn mich die Sehnsucht ruft, dann muss ich ihn spüren. Nicht wie früher, um lebendig zu sein, sondern heute auf meine ganz eigene Art; um geliebtes nie ganz sterben zu lassen…

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57 Kommentare zu „23. November … komm rein und setz dich, vertrauter Schmerz

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